I write this primarily for my transgender readers. It has been almost 19 years since my transition. I’ve been living as a woman all that time, every day, with no vacations. I have an excellent tutor, my wife! As I describe in my book, she stayed with me through my transition. We’re married over 50 years now and she has been very helpful since we met.
Often in the years before I transitioned, I envied, among other things, how friendly women seemed to be toward each other, and how easily they bonded. One of the objectives of my transition was to learn to bond with women.
The major question I had was whether natal women would accept invitations to bond with a trans woman. Of course it has taken time, but in my experience, the answer has been yes: I can bond with natal women.
Over the years I have cultivated three habits to invite friendship and bonding: compliments, support, and hugs. We notice what other women are wearing. From noticing to complimenting is short and easy.
I have heard that some women enjoy mocking and belittling their peers. Fortunately, I have not had that experience. My grandmother used to say, “If you can’t say something good, don’t say anything at all.” I think that’s useful advice.
For example, pointing out dirty, faded, worn, or torn items of apparel may result from just plain poverty. If lack of funds is the cause, it is cruel to call attention to the state of a woman’s clothing. For all you know, the woman may be living in her car for lack of resources to afford a better place to live.
I think the most common way women support each other is to affirm that they have been in a similar situation — they know how it feels. Granted, I cannot sympathize from experience with menstruation, childbirth, or an abusive husband, but there are many I do share.
In my case, both in my life as a man and now as a woman, I have experienced an unfair boss, dashed hopes, and improper coercion. If I hear a woman telling a tale of being slighted or being coerced, I can offer support simply by saying “Oh, I know what you mean.” I don’t necessarily have to do anything to solve or to correct the situation. To support my friend it is enough for me to say, “I know how that can feel.”
When all else fails, I can offer a hug. I can’t count how many times offering a hug has been exactly the right thing to do. And I always offer first because I know some people have been coerced into hugging someone, and if so they can be very uncomfortable if forced to be close to someone else.
That said, I have often seen a hug calm a stressed friend. If a woman is feeling sorrow or emotional stress, the touch of another woman can be very helpful.
With a combination of compliments, affirmations of support, and appropriate hugs, I have so far had pleasant and rewarding social experiences with women.
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